Friday, July 17, 2009

more jokes

1 Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Jacob: "Are you the owner?"The pharmacist answers, "Yes".Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"Pharmacist: "All kinds."Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"Pharmacist: "Definitely."Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"Pharmacist: "Absolutely."Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes"Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We're about to get married. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

2 If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" may have sounded something like this:Costello calls a computer store to ask about a computer. Abbot answers the phone.Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?Costello: Yes. I'm setting up an office at home and I'm thinking about buying a computer. Abbott: Mac?Costello: No, my name's Lou.Abbott: Your computer?Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.Abbott: Mac?Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.Abbott: OK then, what about Windows?Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in there?Abbott: No. But do you want a computer with Windows?Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?Abbott: Wallpaper at first.Costello: Never mind the windows! I need a computer and some software.Abbott: Software for Windows?Costello: No! On the computer! I need something I can use to run my business, write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?Abbott: Office.Costello: Yeah, for my office. I told you that. Can you recommend anything?Abbott: I just did.Costello: You just did what?Abbott: Recommended something.Costello: You recommended something?Abbott: Yes.Costello: For my office?Abbott: Yes.Costello: OK. What did you recommend for my office?Abbott: Office.Costello: Yes, for my office!Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.Costello: My office already has windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to write a proposal. What would I need?Abbott: Word.Costello: What word?Abbott: Word in Office.Costello: The only word in office is office.Abbott: You need the Word in Office for Windows.Costello: Which word in office for windows?Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."Costello: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't give me some straight answers. What about bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can use to track my money?Abbott: Sure, Money.Costello: That's right. What do you have?Abbott: Money.Costello: I need money to track my money?Abbott: Yes, and It comes bundled with your computer.Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?Abbott: Money.Costello: Money comes with my computer?Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much do I get?Abbott: One copy.Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?Abbott: We got a license from Microsoft to copy Money.Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?Abbott: Why not? They own it!(A few days later)Abbott: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?Costello: How do I turn my computer off?Abbott: Click "START"

3 For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

4 VARNING: MinnySoda Compewtr Virus Ve haf just sent you da NORVEGIAN VIRUS. Since ve do not haf any programming experience and do not know how to actually demage your computir, dis Virus verks on da honor system. Please forward dis Virus to eferyvone on your mailing list and den manually delete all of da files on your hard drive.Tank you for your cooperation, Sven and Ole
5 To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

6 A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

7 There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

8 What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

9 Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

10 An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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