Monday, July 27, 2009


1 Psychiatrist: What's your problem?Patient: I think I'm a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

2 While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."

3 This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

4 There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

5 Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?A: To get to the Shell station!Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?A: To invent the other side.Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?A: To corrupt the other side.Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?A: To bankrupt the other side.Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?A: To get to the car accident on the other side.Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?A: To help the patient find the other side.Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?A: To break on through to the other side.Q: Why do birds fly South?A: Because it's too far to walk.

6 Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?A: Because they don't know the words.Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?A: To a crow bar.Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?A: Look at the orange mama laid.Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.Q: Why do hens lay eggs?A: If they dropped them, they'd break.Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.

7 Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?A: The outside.Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A walkie-talkie, of course.Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?A: Too many cheetahs.Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?A: To the retail store.Q: What kind of dog tells time?A: A watch dog.

8 Q: What has four legs and an arm?A: A happy pit bull.Q: Why is a tree like a dog?A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?A: Elephino.

9 Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?A: Holes all over Australia.Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?A: Chicken's day off.Q: Why do elephants have trunks?A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.Q: Why do elephants drink so much?A: To try to forget.Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?A: He pull out his Diners' Club card.Q: What do you get when two giraffes collide?A: A giraffic jam.

10 A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

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