Thursday, July 16, 2009

more jokes

1 "Guns for Hire" is a company which stages gunfights for Western movies and for other events. One day a woman called and asked if she could hire them to kill her husband. She was sentences to 4 ½ years for the request.

2 A man broke into a landfill and attempted to steal $10 worth of copper. Only problem is that he got stuck under a large metal trash bin for 12 hours until the employees found him the next day.

3 A man was charged with drug possession. At his trial, he claimed that the officers had searched him without a search warrant. The judge explained that they did not need one because the bulge in his pocket had looked like a gun. The man happened to be wearing the same jacket. When he handed it to the judge, a bag of cocaine fell out of the pocket.The judge had to take a five minute recess to regain his composure.
4 A man called 911 to report that a sandwich shop had left off the hot sauce when making his spicy Italian sandwich. He called a second time to complain that the police were not responding quickly enough.The employees had locked him out when he left to make the call because he was yelling at them and belligerent. The police tried to calm him down and explain the proper use of 911, to no avail. He was arrested and charged with making a false call to the police.

5 Three people were arrested when a recreation center reported their vending machine had been burglarized. The police arrived to find that most of the contents had been stolen. They went outside and followed a trail of Cheetos to a house nearby where they arrested the three young men.

6 Store employees called the police when they saw a 15 year old boy steal some candy bars. The police caught up with him. He denied taking the candy. But the odor of chocolate was strong on his breath. The police took him back to the store where the employees identified him.

7 Kitsap County , Washington, had begun to crack down on speeding motorists. Here's a list of some answers they received when they asked the drivers why they were speeding: My gas petal got stuck. Don't I get a couple miles per hour over when I'm taking my grandchildren to the airport? I didn't know I was speeding because my lights were off. My speedometer is broken. I had a bee in my car. I've been drinking and I wanted to get off the road quickly. I am driving my friend to the hospital. He has alcohol poisoning. (The driver was also found to be intoxicated.) (After crashing) I put high test gas in my car and it caused me to lose control. (He was also found to be intoxicated.) I'm trying to catch that UFO. Will you try to catch it for me? I get 10 extra miles per hour in the fast lane. I'm wearing shoes that are really heavy and they make the gas petal go down more. My doctor gave me the wrong medication. I'm headed to a divorce proceeding and if you met her, sir, you would understand why I'm in a hurry.I just got my license back after having it suspended and I'm not used to driving.

8 A man called the police from a cell phone he had stolen from a woman in a pool hall 90 minutes earlier. He said he had been jumped. But, in fact, he was just intoxicated and wanted a ride home. The woman identified him as the robber.

9 A man cased a bank in Boston for several days before he went in to rob it. When he reached the teller, he pulled out a gun and said in a loud voice, "This is a stick up. Nobody move!" He should have cased the joint a little better because two doors down from the bank was an FBI Field Office. Five FBI agents were in line on their lunch hour waiting to cash their checks.

10 A man went to see his probation officer to check in and pay some fines. As he emptied his pockets before going through the metal detector, out came two bags of marijuana. He was arrested and sent back to jail.


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