1 On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?""That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
2 A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
3 Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." "OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing.""There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
4 Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
5 This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.She replies, "Yes."He asks what she is doing.She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
6 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
7 A young brunette goes into the do"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."ctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"She says, "No, I'm really a blonde.""I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
8 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked."Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
9 As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.""We don't have any," replied the first blonde."Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden."But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
11 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
12 A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"The blonde responded, "20, right?"Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?""3?" said the blonde.The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
13 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
14 There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
15 A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer."Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
16 A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A lit"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like little while later, he comes back."What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife."I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
18 Two blonde guys walk into a pet store. One says to the store owner, "We want four budgies."The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females."The blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green."Again, the blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blonde guy gets out his wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds.They then drive to a high cliff. The first blonde reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, he flaps his arms and jumps off the cliff. He falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom.The second blonde looks over the cliff at his friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be."
19 Father: I thought I asked you to go out and shovel the snow off the driveway.
Blonde Son: You did, I'm on my wayFather: But you only have one boot on.
Blonde Son: Well, there's only one foot of snow.