Wednesday, May 27, 2009
touch by an angel
i like this song and wanted you guys to here it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWYn2k4IaPY&feature=related
touch by an angel
well i wrote to the hallmark channel to day to tell them that iwas disapointed to not have touch by an angel on halmark here
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
blonde jokes
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said," How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, someyoung woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
blonde jokes
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word,' comfortable'."The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word comfortable'?"The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
more blone jokes
1 The blonde called to make a reservation. She told the agent she wanted to fly to Rhino, New York. The agent, not knowing of a town called Rhino, asked if she was sure that was the name of the place. The blonde insisted, so the agent searched through every air port code in the country. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't find a Rhino anywhere," he said."Don't be silly. It's a big city. Everyone knows where it is. Look at your map," said the blonde.The agent did and came back to the phone. "Ma'am," he said, "Could it be Buffalo?""Whatever," she said, "I knew it was some big animal.
2 Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q. Why did the dum blond keep failing her driver's test?A. Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
3
2 Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q. Why did the dum blond keep failing her driver's test?A. Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
3
1 A blonde asked her travel agent to make reservations for a car in Dallas. The agent looked at her reservation and saw that she only had a one hour layover in Dallas. "Why would you need a car?" he asked."Well, I've heard that Dallas is a large airport. I thought I'd use a car to drive between gates to save time."
2 The blonde called the airlines to ask how her flight could leave Chicago at 10:30 a.m. and arrive at Detroit at 10:33 a.m. the same day. The agent explained that Detroit is an hour ahead of Chicago. The blonde simply could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, the agent said that the plane flew really fast. That did it.
3 The blonde was angry and called the airline to ask if they put your physical description on your luggage so they could tell to whom it belonged. It seems that on her trip to Fresno Air Terminal they had put FAT on her luggage.
4 The blonde called her travel agent and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola. Do I need to get on one of those computer planes?"
5 A blonde was making a reservation for a trip to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the reservation agent reminder her that she needed a visa."Oh, no I don't. I've been to China several times and I've never needed one."The agent double checked and, sure enough, there was a visa requirement. When he told this to the blonde, she said, "Look, mister. I've been to China five times and I never had any trouble with them accepting my American Express."
4
2 The blonde called the airlines to ask how her flight could leave Chicago at 10:30 a.m. and arrive at Detroit at 10:33 a.m. the same day. The agent explained that Detroit is an hour ahead of Chicago. The blonde simply could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, the agent said that the plane flew really fast. That did it.
3 The blonde was angry and called the airline to ask if they put your physical description on your luggage so they could tell to whom it belonged. It seems that on her trip to Fresno Air Terminal they had put FAT on her luggage.
4 The blonde called her travel agent and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola. Do I need to get on one of those computer planes?"
5 A blonde was making a reservation for a trip to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the reservation agent reminder her that she needed a visa."Oh, no I don't. I've been to China several times and I've never needed one."The agent double checked and, sure enough, there was a visa requirement. When he told this to the blonde, she said, "Look, mister. I've been to China five times and I never had any trouble with them accepting my American Express."
4
motre blonde jokes
1 Did you hear about the blonde who asked for an aisle seat on the airplane? She didn't want her hair to get messed up sitting by the window.
2 While making plans with a travel agent for a trip to Europe, the blonde asked, "Can you see England from Canada?""No," replied the travel agent, a bit stunned."But they look so close on the map."
3 A blonde was planning a trip to Hawaii. After getting the details about a package deal, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
4 A blonde called the airlines to make a reservation to Capetown. As the ticket agent started to explain the details of the trip - length of the flight, passport information, etc. - the blonde interrupted him and said, "I don't want to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."Without having to try to make the blonde look stupid, the ticket
agent said, "Capetown is in South Africa. Cape Cod is in Massachusetts."
5 The blonde called her travel agent, furious about the hotel reservations she had gotten for her trip to Orlando. "What is the problem?" asked the travel agent."I specifically told you I wanted a room with an ocean view."The travel agent tried to explain to her that Orlando is in the middle of the state."Don't lie to me," she said. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.
2 While making plans with a travel agent for a trip to Europe, the blonde asked, "Can you see England from Canada?""No," replied the travel agent, a bit stunned."But they look so close on the map."
3 A blonde was planning a trip to Hawaii. After getting the details about a package deal, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
4 A blonde called the airlines to make a reservation to Capetown. As the ticket agent started to explain the details of the trip - length of the flight, passport information, etc. - the blonde interrupted him and said, "I don't want to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."Without having to try to make the blonde look stupid, the ticket
agent said, "Capetown is in South Africa. Cape Cod is in Massachusetts."
5 The blonde called her travel agent, furious about the hotel reservations she had gotten for her trip to Orlando. "What is the problem?" asked the travel agent."I specifically told you I wanted a room with an ocean view."The travel agent tried to explain to her that Orlando is in the middle of the state."Don't lie to me," she said. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.
more blone jokes
1 While wandering through a clothes store in a shopping mall, a blonde suddenly remembers she needs a microwave. Seeing one in the back, she tells the clerk she wants to buy it. The clerk looks up, and glances at the microwave in question and says, "We can't sell that to blondes."Irate at the apparent discrimination she decides she'll fool him, and goes home and dyes her hair to become a brunette. The next day she returns to the same store and again asks a different clerk for the microwave. Again the clerk says, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a brunette."Aghast, she thinks it's unfair discrimination and decides to try one more time, only this time as a red-head. She waits patiently outside the store until another clerk is available and once more asks to buy the microwave. Again she is disappointed to hear, "We can't sell that to a blonde impersonating a red-head."Frustrated she asks, "How did you know I was a blonde?""Because, that's not a microwave, it's a TV."
2 A blonde was suspected of cheating on her 8th grade final exams. The teacher brought her to the front of the room and told to sit and stay quiet while he proceeded to mangle her test.As he did this, the blonde started to laugh.Getting even more furious, he threw the test on the ground and stomped up and down on it leaving foot prints on several ripped pages.The blonde laughed even louder.He was livid, finally taking her test and shredding it.Now, the blonde was laughing uproariously.The teacher, somewhat more calm but still red looked over and asked, "What's so funny?""While you weren't looking, I stood up three times."
3 A blonde took her car to the body shop after a large hailstorm had left her car badly dented. The busy owner didn't have time to work on her car at the moment, so he thought he would try and see if blondes really were as dumb as these jokes indicate."Oh, those dents are pretty small, you can get those dent out yourself by just blowing hard into the tailpipe." he said.After going home and trying for an hour, she called over her best blonde friend Betty to see if Betty had any ideas.After hearing about what she was doing she said "That'll never work, you need to close the windows first.
4 A blonde was shopping when she found a really striking stainless steel thermos. Fascinated, she picked it up examined it, and finally asked the clerk what it was."It's a thermos." he said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."That was all she needed to hear, and she bought the thermos.The next day, her boss saw the thermos on her desk, as it really was rather striking."It's a thermos." she said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold.""What have you got in it?" her boss queried after a moment.She happily answered, "I have hot coffee in it for a little later this morning, and really cold iced tea for this afternoon."
5 On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land."Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear."I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class."What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."
2 A blonde was suspected of cheating on her 8th grade final exams. The teacher brought her to the front of the room and told to sit and stay quiet while he proceeded to mangle her test.As he did this, the blonde started to laugh.Getting even more furious, he threw the test on the ground and stomped up and down on it leaving foot prints on several ripped pages.The blonde laughed even louder.He was livid, finally taking her test and shredding it.Now, the blonde was laughing uproariously.The teacher, somewhat more calm but still red looked over and asked, "What's so funny?""While you weren't looking, I stood up three times."
3 A blonde took her car to the body shop after a large hailstorm had left her car badly dented. The busy owner didn't have time to work on her car at the moment, so he thought he would try and see if blondes really were as dumb as these jokes indicate."Oh, those dents are pretty small, you can get those dent out yourself by just blowing hard into the tailpipe." he said.After going home and trying for an hour, she called over her best blonde friend Betty to see if Betty had any ideas.After hearing about what she was doing she said "That'll never work, you need to close the windows first.
4 A blonde was shopping when she found a really striking stainless steel thermos. Fascinated, she picked it up examined it, and finally asked the clerk what it was."It's a thermos." he said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold."That was all she needed to hear, and she bought the thermos.The next day, her boss saw the thermos on her desk, as it really was rather striking."It's a thermos." she said. "It keeps some things hot, and other things cold.""What have you got in it?" her boss queried after a moment.She happily answered, "I have hot coffee in it for a little later this morning, and really cold iced tea for this afternoon."
5 On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot said, "Let me try." He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit. He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land."Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear."I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class."What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."
more blonde jokes
1 A blonde government supervisor called in a subordinate regarding his failure to complete his last task.Blonde: Sam, I see you only converted 4 out of the 5 books I asked you to convert to Braille. As you know our state needs to make our publications available to everyone including the blind.Sam: Yes, of course.Blonde: So what happened with that fifth book?Sam: You mean the automobile driving manual?
2 A blink man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that
The bartender is a blonde woman.
The bouncer is a blonde woman.
The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.
I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Do you still want to tell that joke?""Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."
3 One day a blonde decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"
4 A blonde was on vacation in Florida trying to find a pair of alligator boots to give her best friend back home. She had heard her best friend talking about them, and knew she really wanted a pair.Finally finding a pair she thought her friend would like, she was upset when she got to the checkout and discovered she did not have enough money to buy them.Being resourceful, she decided she wouldn't give up and had an idea of how she could get some alligator boots for her friend.Three hours later she had to admit defeat, however, as the fourth alligator she found and shot dead had already lost his alligator boots, too.
5 As Lena (a blonde) was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. Lena finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered her husband, Olaf's, advice. He had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she'd never get stuck in a snow drift.So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn't wait to tell Olaf how she had followed his advice and got home without getting stuck.After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to Lena's car and asked if she was all right? He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time."Sure," said Lena and she explained how Olaf had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow.
A little confused, the driver said, "OK you can follow me if you want to. But I'm finished with the Kmart parking lot and I'm headed for Wall-Mart next."
2 A blink man enters a lady's bar by mistake. Finding his way to the bar, he orders a drink. After a few drinks he yells, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?"The place gets silent. Then a woman with a deep, husky voice sitting to the right of the man says, "Sir, since you are blind, I think it is only fair to let you know that
The bartender is a blonde woman.
The bouncer is a blonde woman.
The woman on your left is blonde and a professional wrestler.
I'm a six foot tall blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. Do you still want to tell that joke?""Nah," says the man. "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it FIVE times."
3 One day a blonde decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"
4 A blonde was on vacation in Florida trying to find a pair of alligator boots to give her best friend back home. She had heard her best friend talking about them, and knew she really wanted a pair.Finally finding a pair she thought her friend would like, she was upset when she got to the checkout and discovered she did not have enough money to buy them.Being resourceful, she decided she wouldn't give up and had an idea of how she could get some alligator boots for her friend.Three hours later she had to admit defeat, however, as the fourth alligator she found and shot dead had already lost his alligator boots, too.
5 As Lena (a blonde) was getting off work one day in the middle of winter, it was snowing heavily. Visibility was near zero. Lena finally found her car, but wondered how she was ever going to get home. She started the car to warm it up and tried to think of what to do. Then she remembered her husband, Olaf's, advice. He had told her that if she were ever caught in a snow storm, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she'd never get stuck in a snow drift.So she waited and sure enough, a little while later a snow plow went by. Smiling, she began to follow it. Feeling a little smug, she couldn't wait to tell Olaf how she had followed his advice and got home without getting stuck.After following the snow plow for quite a while, the plow stopped and the driver got out. He walked back to Lena's car and asked if she was all right? He was concerned because she had been following him for a long time."Sure," said Lena and she explained how Olaf had told her that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should follow a snow plow.
A little confused, the driver said, "OK you can follow me if you want to. But I'm finished with the Kmart parking lot and I'm headed for Wall-Mart next."
1 One day a blonde decided to go horse back riding. After a very long search, she finally found a horse she thought she could ride. Things started off well enough, slowly trotting along, but soon the undulations started going faster and faster.
Being unexperienced at horseback riding the blonde started to fall off. She tried everything, grabbing the mane, then she tried to grab the saddle, but could not hold on.Seconds before falling off, the horse finally stopped, allowing her to get off, and gratefully thank the shopper for unplugging the mechanical horse as they were about to enter the department store.
Being unexperienced at horseback riding the blonde started to fall off. She tried everything, grabbing the mane, then she tried to grab the saddle, but could not hold on.Seconds before falling off, the horse finally stopped, allowing her to get off, and gratefully thank the shopper for unplugging the mechanical horse as they were about to enter the department store.
more blonde jokes
1 A couple bought a car and had the dealership add a few upgrades to it. When they returned to pick up their car, they were told that the keys had been locked inside. Going to the service area, they found the mechanic, who was blonde, feverishly working to open the driver's side door. The woman instinctively tried the passenger side door, only to find it was unlocked. She said, "Hey, it's open!"The mechanic replied, "I know. I already got that side."
2 An old farmer was driving home from from his annual trip to the city when he saw a couple of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch, but couldn't believe his eyes as they dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings.Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them."What are you guys doing?" he asked."Planting trees," they said in unison."But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked."Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole. But Jimmy is out sick today."
3 An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife."Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
4 A drunken blind man walks into a bar and after conversing with the locals finally yells, "Hey, do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?"The gentleman beside him says to him in a hushed voice, "You might not want to tell that joke since everyone here IS blonde including that 250 pound wrestler on the other side of you and the 225 pound black belt bouncer who's staring at you nastily. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?""Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I'm going to have to explain it twice."
5 The blonde mechanic told his customer, "I wasn't able to repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
2 An old farmer was driving home from from his annual trip to the city when he saw a couple of blonde tree farmers planting their crop by hand. As he had some extra time on his hands, he stopped to watch, but couldn't believe his eyes as they dug holes and filled them back in without dropping in any seeds or seedlings.Finally his curiosity got the best of him so he got out of his car and walked over to talk with them."What are you guys doing?" he asked."Planting trees," they said in unison."But where is the seed or seedlings?" he asked."Oh," one said, "normally there are three of us. He digs the holes, Jimmy plants the seedling, and I fill the hole. But Jimmy is out sick today."
3 An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife."Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
4 A drunken blind man walks into a bar and after conversing with the locals finally yells, "Hey, do you want to hear a really funny blonde joke?"The gentleman beside him says to him in a hushed voice, "You might not want to tell that joke since everyone here IS blonde including that 250 pound wrestler on the other side of you and the 225 pound black belt bouncer who's staring at you nastily. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?""Nah," says the blind guy, "not if I'm going to have to explain it twice."
5 The blonde mechanic told his customer, "I wasn't able to repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder."
morre blonde jokes
1 On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?""That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
2 A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
3 Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." "OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing.""There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
4 Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
5 This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.She replies, "Yes."He asks what she is doing.She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
6 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
7 A young brunette goes into the do"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."ctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"She says, "No, I'm really a blonde.""I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
8 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked."Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
9 As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
10
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.""We don't have any," replied the first blonde."Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden."But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
11 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
12 A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"The blonde responded, "20, right?"Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?""3?" said the blonde.The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
13 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
14 There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
15 A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer."Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
16 A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A lit"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like little while later, he comes back."What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife."I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
17
Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
18 Two blonde guys walk into a pet store. One says to the store owner, "We want four budgies."The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females."The blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green."Again, the blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blonde guy gets out his wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds.They then drive to a high cliff. The first blonde reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, he flaps his arms and jumps off the cliff. He falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom.The second blonde looks over the cliff at his friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be."
19 Father: I thought I asked you to go out and shovel the snow off the driveway.
Blonde Son: You did, I'm on my wayFather: But you only have one boot on.
Blonde Son: Well, there's only one foot of snow.
2 A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
3 Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." "OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing.""There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
4 Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
5 This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.She replies, "Yes."He asks what she is doing.She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
6 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
7 A young brunette goes into the do"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."ctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"She says, "No, I'm really a blonde.""I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
8 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" he asked."Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
9 As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
10
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.""We don't have any," replied the first blonde."Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden."But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"
11 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
12 A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"The blonde responded, "20, right?"Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?""3?" said the blonde.The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
13 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The second cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
14 There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
15 A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer."Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
16 A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A lit"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like little while later, he comes back."What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife."I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
17
Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
18 Two blonde guys walk into a pet store. One says to the store owner, "We want four budgies."The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females."The blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green."Again, the blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blonde guy gets out his wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds.They then drive to a high cliff. The first blonde reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, he flaps his arms and jumps off the cliff. He falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom.The second blonde looks over the cliff at his friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be."
19 Father: I thought I asked you to go out and shovel the snow off the driveway.
Blonde Son: You did, I'm on my wayFather: But you only have one boot on.
Blonde Son: Well, there's only one foot of snow.
Friday, May 15, 2009
blonde jokes i found on the internet
In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"
2 Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee. While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven. When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen. Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!" My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
3 Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
2 Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee. While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven. When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen. Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!" My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
3 Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered. They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
