1. Three old buddies are out for a walk. Old guy #1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"Old guy #2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"Old guy #3 says, "So am I. Let's go get milk shake."
2 An old geezer says to his buddy, "I hear you're getting married""Yes, I am!""Have I met her?""Nope!""Is she good looking?""Not especially.""Can she cook?""Not really very well.""Is she loaded?""Nope! Poor as a church mouse.""Well, then, why do you want to marry her?""Because she still drives!"
Thursday, July 16, 2009
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1 You Know You're Getting Old When A young teenager, listening to some music his mother was playing asked who the band was. "The Beatles," she told him. "Oh. Who's in the group?"When his mother told him, he said with surprise, "I didn't know Paul McCartney had a group before Wings!"
2 After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde.""Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."The man rethought his priorities.
3 Recently I went to the doctor for my annual physical. The nurse asked me how much I weighed. I told her 135 pounds. Then she weighed me and the scale said 160. She asked me how tall I was. I said, "5 feet, 5 inches." She measured me and I was only 5 feet, 3 inches. So she took my blood pressure and told me it was high. "Of course it's high," I said. "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat!"
4 Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
5 I was sitting in the waiting room of my new dentist. It was my first appointment. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which had his full name. Suddenly, I recalled a tall, dark haired, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 50 years ago. Could this be the same boy I had a secret crush on, way back then?When I saw him, however, I quickly discarded that thought. This gray haired, balding man with the deeply wrinkled face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm! Or could he?After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northampton High School. "Yes, I did!" he said. "I'm a Konkrete Kid." He gleamed with pride."What year did you graduate?" I asked."In 1959," he said. "Why do you ask?""I was in your class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old, fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"
6 A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
7 Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
8 Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.""Really," says the first guy."Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
9 An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, "We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."
The second man said, "What's the name of it?The first man thought and thought, then said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?"""Oh, you mean a rose?" said the second man."Yes, that's it," said the first man. Then he called to the kitchen, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
10 According to hospital regulations, patients are required to be escorted out in a wheelchair when being discharged. A student nurse was having some trouble with an elderly gentleman who insisted that he did not need a wheelchair. After some discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed. As she was wheeling him out, the student nurse asked the man if his wife was going to pick him up."I don't know," he replied. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
4
2 After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde.""Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."The man rethought his priorities.
3 Recently I went to the doctor for my annual physical. The nurse asked me how much I weighed. I told her 135 pounds. Then she weighed me and the scale said 160. She asked me how tall I was. I said, "5 feet, 5 inches." She measured me and I was only 5 feet, 3 inches. So she took my blood pressure and told me it was high. "Of course it's high," I said. "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat!"
4 Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
5 I was sitting in the waiting room of my new dentist. It was my first appointment. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which had his full name. Suddenly, I recalled a tall, dark haired, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 50 years ago. Could this be the same boy I had a secret crush on, way back then?When I saw him, however, I quickly discarded that thought. This gray haired, balding man with the deeply wrinkled face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm! Or could he?After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northampton High School. "Yes, I did!" he said. "I'm a Konkrete Kid." He gleamed with pride."What year did you graduate?" I asked."In 1959," he said. "Why do you ask?""I was in your class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, wrinkled, old, fat, bald, gray, decrepit SOB asked, "What did you teach?"
6 A well dressed, debonair man in his mid nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid eighties, at the most. Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
7 Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"
8 Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down. One says, "You know, I'm 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"The other guy says, "Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.""Really," says the first guy."Yep," says the second one. "No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants."
9 An elderly couple went to dinner at the home of some friends, also elderly. After dinner, the wives went into the kitchen and the two men were talking. One said, "We went out to dinner last night at a really good restaurant. I'd highly recommend it."
The second man said, "What's the name of it?The first man thought and thought, then said, "What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, the one that is usually red that has thorns?"""Oh, you mean a rose?" said the second man."Yes, that's it," said the first man. Then he called to the kitchen, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
10 According to hospital regulations, patients are required to be escorted out in a wheelchair when being discharged. A student nurse was having some trouble with an elderly gentleman who insisted that he did not need a wheelchair. After some discussion about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed. As she was wheeling him out, the student nurse asked the man if his wife was going to pick him up."I don't know," he replied. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
4
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1 Perks Of Being Over The Hill There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way. Things that you buy now won't wear out. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge. Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off. You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway. You can sing along with elevator music. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television. Your eyes won't get too much worse. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? " You can get into a heated argument about pension plans. You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon. In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first. No one expects you to run -- anywhere. You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac. You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
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1. Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed. Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
2 A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
3 Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
4 George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?" His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy. As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
5 Why Men Are Happier Men can play with toys all their life. Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.usually Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.Chocolate is just another snack.The whole garage belongs to them.Weddings take care of themselves.Men's last name never changes.Everything on a man's face stays its original color.Men only have to shave their faces and necks.Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.For men, wrinkles add character.Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase. Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.Men have one mood all the time.A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks Men can open all their own jars.
2 A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
3 Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
4 George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?" His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy. As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
5 Why Men Are Happier Men can play with toys all their life. Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.usually Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.Chocolate is just another snack.The whole garage belongs to them.Weddings take care of themselves.Men's last name never changes.Everything on a man's face stays its original color.Men only have to shave their faces and necks.Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.For men, wrinkles add character.Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase. Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.Men have one mood all the time.A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks Men can open all their own jars.
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Differences Between Man and Women
1. If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara. If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out
2 When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money
3 A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
4 Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
5 Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6 Women love cats.Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
7 A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
8 A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
9 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
10 A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
1. If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara. If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out
2 When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back. When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money
3 A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs. A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
4 Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6. The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
5 Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6 Women love cats.Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
7 A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
8 A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife. A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
9 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
10 A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
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The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
1.
Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2
That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
3
Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4 Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.
5
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
6
Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
7
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
8
Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
1.
Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.
2
That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.
3
Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4 Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.
5
Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.
6
Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)
7
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)
8
Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)
more jokes
1. Using illegal drugs must really fry your brain, as the public service announcements show. A man called the police to report that he had just been robbed. As he was attempting to deliver drugs to two women in his car, a third person came to the window and robbed him. So, naturally, he called the police. All four of them were arrested.
2 A man was charged with driving with a suspended license. When he went to post bail, he was arrested again because he tried to pay with a counterfeit $50 bill.
3 Four people robbed a candy store in downtown Cincinnati. The police had no trouble finding them. All they had to do was follow the trail of candy wrappers.
4 She thought I would be easy. After filling out an application for a new account, she handed it to the teller, then pulled out a gun and demanded money. Only problem is, she left the application behind with her name and address on it. She was arrested with out incident less than an hour later.
5 A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note. So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.
6 Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on. They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency lighting locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.
7 A man decided to steal some beer from a liquor store. He got a cinder block, went to the store, lifted the cinder block over his head and threw it at the window. The cinder block bounced back at him, hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. The window was made of Plexiglas. The whole thing was caught on video tape.
8 A driver was speeding and was unknowingly caught in a speed trap that measured his speed with radar and photographed his car. In the mail, he later received a ticket for $100, along with a photograph of his car. He sent the ticket back with a photograph of a $100 bill. He then received a letter from the police department with a photograph of hand cuffs. He paid the ticket.
9 A nervous pair of robbers entered a record store to rob it. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled robber shot him.
10 A woman called the poison control center, upset because her little daughter had eaten some ants. The person at poison control assured her that ants were not dangerous and that her little girl would be fine. The mother was relieved, then (fortunately) mentioned that she had given her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. She was told to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible.
2 A man was charged with driving with a suspended license. When he went to post bail, he was arrested again because he tried to pay with a counterfeit $50 bill.
3 Four people robbed a candy store in downtown Cincinnati. The police had no trouble finding them. All they had to do was follow the trail of candy wrappers.
4 She thought I would be easy. After filling out an application for a new account, she handed it to the teller, then pulled out a gun and demanded money. Only problem is, she left the application behind with her name and address on it. She was arrested with out incident less than an hour later.
5 A man went into a Wells Fargo bank and planned to rob it. He got a deposit slip and wrote on it: "This iz a stikup. Put all the munny in this bag." Then he stood in line. But he got nervous thinking that someone might have seen him write the note. So he left the bank and crossed the street to the Bank of America. He waited in line, then handed the note to the teller. After reading the note, the teller determined that the man was not very bright. So he told him he could not accept the stickup note because it was written on a Wells Fargo deposit slip. He would either have to fill out a Bank of America deposit slip or go back to the Wells Fargo. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and returned to the Wells Fargo where he was arrested while standing in line.
6 Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on. They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency lighting locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.
7 A man decided to steal some beer from a liquor store. He got a cinder block, went to the store, lifted the cinder block over his head and threw it at the window. The cinder block bounced back at him, hit him in the head and knocked him unconscious. The window was made of Plexiglas. The whole thing was caught on video tape.
8 A driver was speeding and was unknowingly caught in a speed trap that measured his speed with radar and photographed his car. In the mail, he later received a ticket for $100, along with a photograph of his car. He sent the ticket back with a photograph of a $100 bill. He then received a letter from the police department with a photograph of hand cuffs. He paid the ticket.
9 A nervous pair of robbers entered a record store to rob it. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled robber shot him.
10 A woman called the poison control center, upset because her little daughter had eaten some ants. The person at poison control assured her that ants were not dangerous and that her little girl would be fine. The mother was relieved, then (fortunately) mentioned that she had given her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. She was told to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible.
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